The battle of eyebrows
by Aqua142
Summary: After visiting a strange bar, the cadets discover a man with eyebrows equally as superior as Erwin Smith. With chaos and beer, who will truly have the best eyebrows?


**This is a stupid little idea that I cooked up during at school and thought it would be awesome. I recently got hooked on Hetalia so I thought this would be a fun little oneshot to work on. So you know England and Erwin right? Yeah, they have huge eyebrows so I thought**

 **...ok let's make them battle on who has more eyebrows.**

 **Also, the Ambassador...let's just say she's a connection. Both country names and human names will be used.**

 **I own nothing but the idea and the Ambassador.**

Erwin grinned with victory as he brushed the number one things he loved about his face. His "big-ass" (as Levi would call them) eyebrows. What once used to be the source of his embarrassment in his childhood was now the source of his pride because he would always parade them with honour whenever they returned from a mission.

Levi would often joke about them.

Who cares, Erwin smirked, he's just jealous that I'm taller than him.

Ladies and gentlemen, can we appreciate how that was a sick burn?

...

Thanks.

After strutting outside his room, he was greeted by his two colleagues. Hanji and Mike. The commander saluted to his sub-ordinates, who followed his example.

"So where's Levi?" Erwin smiled, looking at his friends. Although, Mike and Hanji attempted to cover their laughter.

"Oi, shitty-brows. Down here!" A cranky voice came from below. Unfortunately, humanity's strongest was now humanity's smallest because his short height prevented Erwin from seeing him. Erwin sighed, apologizing for his lack of attention to the lance corporal. Levi clicked his tongue.

"Whatever, Commander eyebrows." The shorter man snarled, Erwin rolled his eyes. By now, he had grown immune to the insults of his eyebrows. Hanji leaned onto Levi's shoulder.

"Hey, I left some paper work on your desk. Something about Church of the walls complaining about some shit? I dunno, they filed a complaint. Ain't that right Mike?"

Mike didn't reply, all he did was sniff his nose.

Erwin nodded his head.

"Levi, don't work your crew up. My eyebrows feel like they need a rest after yesterday's rigourous training." The commander ordered, Levi looked away in annoyance.

It wasn't that bad, he thought bitterly, Kirschtein, Arlet and Lenz collapsed. Ackerman tried to beat me up for attempting to work Jaeger off the bone. Blouse and Springer attempted to escape training.

They needed to prepare for what is to come. Even if Erwin had only one arm, the survey corps needed to rise to the new titan-shifters.

"Tch, fine. But they're still cleaning this place up. It's so dusty and argh! It pisses me off."

"That's fine...just don't kill them. They don't have a short fuse like you." Erwin patted Levi's head and retreated to his room.

"pfft, short fuse." Hanji chortled, Levi growled and kicked the woman painfully in the stomach. Mike took a step back to avoid danger from the ticked-off midget.

"Ouch..that's gotta hurt." Voices whispered. Levi and Mike turned their heads to see a potato drop...and running noises.

"Oh my god! He's gonna kill us!" They all screamed, even Mikasa because they all didn't want to witness the wrath of the midget called Captain Levi.

* * *

As punishment, Levi sent Armin, Mikasa, Eren and Jean to go collect cleaning supplies from the local bar whilst Sasha, Connie and Krista were sent to fetch buckets of water. Because apparently, the windows were so dirty that even Hanji's shitty glasses would be cleaner than that.

It was supposed a joke and threat mashed in one but most of the cadets took it at as a threat.

"Seriously, I have no freaking idea why we have to come here? Bars are for where drunk people get well...drunk? Not get cleaning supplies." Jean sighed, Eren huffed. The four soldiers closed into a bar which was dubbed Hetalia, round the world.

"Shut up, horse-face. All you've been doing is whine whine whine. Wow and I thought the lance corporal complained more!" Eren replied, Jean was about to through a punch but Armin managed to catch his friend's arm.

"C'mon. The faster we get this done, the more time we will have when we goof off." Armin optimistically stated.

"Can it, Armin. No one wants to hear you scream like a little girl." Jean insulted.

"oooooh tisss." Mikasa and Eren hissed, the blond boy blushed with awkwardness.

"W-w-well fuck you!" he squeaked, pushing his friend at the door.

It immediately gave way and a burly man with slick blonde hair and icy blue eyes glared at them.

"Vell vhat do we have here?" The man boomed, the boys cowered behind Mikasa, who stayed adamant.

"Hello sir, we were sent here to a mission for something. We were wondering if we could speak to our client." She politely asked. The gentleman stayed quiet before huffing in annoyance.

"Bruder! Are these the hoes you asked for?" He called within.

"Kesesese, nein! They're supposed to arrive later." An albino joined his brother to witness the cadets as they were traumatized at the term 'hoes'.

...

"Vell, vhat are you vaiting for Vest? Kick zem out? Zey are minors!" The albino man snarled, squinting at the cadets.

"Listen sir, we have an important mission. We need to see the mistress of this bar!" Eren growled, he prepped his thumb for biting in case things got bad.

"...come in." The blonde gave in, opening the door wider. For a bar, it was decently civilized. It had a stand and two main tables on its left and right side. It was surprisingly neat with even a world map hung behind a girl age 21 pouring some dashing young men some beer. Her black hair was tucked neatly in a pony tail and she wore a clean brown apron. As soon as she caught sight of cadets, her smile shrunk.

"Germany, I told you to keep minors out of the bar! Argh! I'm sick of brats coming in here and screwing this place up." She hissed, rubbing her forehead.

"Look Frau,"

"Don't 'look Frau' me, Ludwig. I'm sick of cleaning this place up. Y'know. Hetalia ain't gonna get cleaning supplies forever! They're a luxury from the mafia of downtown. And I can't keep this beautiful world sparkling clean whenever that eyebrow wanker keeps waltzing in!" She hissed, tossing a rag in 'Germany' or 'Ludwig's direction. The man caught it. The albino laughed with a strange tone. The cadets, unknown whether to laugh of sympathise with the blonde man, awkwardly joined in.

"Kesesese, you kids seem to share the same humour. Name's Gilbert Beilschmidt or awesome Prussia as I'm called in these bars. The dumbkoft being chewed out by mein liebing is mein bruder Ludwig. But in this place he's Germany." The man grinned, he picked up Mikasa's hand to kiss it but was interrupted by the girl.

"Prussia, don't call me 'liebing'. It's creepy. I'm guessing you're Levi's brats. Whatevs, I'll get the stuff. They call me: The Ambassador, crooks and men alike." The girl winked, coming from the closet, she retrieved a bucket and what looked like 5 giant bottles of cleaning detergent. "Kay, I think Levs has enough to clean the stupid windows. If you need anymore, just come down here and I'll send some guys u-goddamnit."

"Oi, LOVE! Get the ale rolling, we have something ready to go DOWN!" A british voice echoed, the cadets flicked their heads to see a man...with huge eyebrows...and it wasn't Commander Erwin.

"Kirkland, I swear to god." The woman facepalmed

"Hahaha! I may be Arthur Kirkland outside of this bar. But in here. Call me England. The man with the most big-ass eyebrows in the whole of this wall."

"I prefer Britain but whatever floats on your giant eyebrows. Prussia, get them beers. We got seven years war coming up. Germnany, get the kids back to Lev's place." The girl sighed, she ushered the cadets out but Eren stopped himself.

"I know a man with bigger eyebrows than you." He blurted, the english man currently chugging down beer sputtered. He flicked his head and gained eye-contact with the titan shifter. His competitor, Francis Bonnefoy or France as many call him, chuckled to himself.

"Hon hon, you've bad a very big mistake saying that mon garçon." The man took a delicate sip from his wine. The British man slammed down his beer bottle and stomped towards the frightened teens.

"Which wanker thinks their eyebrows are bigger than mine? I'll show 'em true manliness!" He growled flexing his eyebrows. Germany sighed.

"Ugh, don't mind him kinder. He's drunk...let's just."

The Ambassador raised her hand.

"Really? Someone with bigger eyebrows than Brit?" She joked, England threw a pissed off glare at the female bar-tender.

"Y-yes ma'm. Captain Levi says that his superior's eyebrows are so thick that a bird would be stupid enough to confuse them for caterpillars." Jean stuttered, he looked dangerously around the room. A girl with platinum hair whisked a knife, a white and solemn man pulled his wrench pipe. A chinese man held a plushy of h*llo k*tty. A Japanese man wield a katana.

"Gentlemen, ladies. Let's settle down." The bar tender cried, standing on the bar. She waved her arms frantically to prevent another bar fight, although someone knocked down the door. Everyone flicked their heads to reveal the absolutely pissed-off Captain Levi. Seeing all the bar members ticked off and wielding weapons, the corporal fixated his eyes on The Ambassador

"Caused another ruckus? Crazy woman?" He sighed, the girl hopped from the edge before dabbing.

"Hey man-baby. Your kids probably over-stayed. Also, a little horsey told me that your boyfriend has bigger eyebrows than England here." She smirked.

"Whatever, like Smith cares."

"Maybe he will, bring him here. We'll compare. If your friend has bigger eyebrows than Iggy,"

"Don't call me that wanker!" The drunk british man threatened, waving his beer angrily at the girl.

"A year's cleaning supply for you, I'll get it shipped to your place. Sound sweet?"

Levi pondered, he could finally use Erwin's uselessly gigantic eyebrows to do something useful.

"...We'll consider."

"I'll throw in China's tea supply!" The Ambassador added, patting a nearby Chinese man.

"Aru, Ambassador, don't bet my property!"

Levi nodded his head, stating he'll return soon. The Ambassador grinned, before shooing them away.

The cadets stayed silent as Prussia ushered them out of the bar, slamming the door in their faces. Jean, Armin, Eren and Mikasa stared at their corporal, clutching his fists and boiling with anger.

"S-sir? How do you know the Ambassador?" Armin shyly asked, he currently was struggling with one of the giant bottles of detergent.

"I just do, now shut up. You've caused enough trouble!" He snarled, kicking Armin straight in the balls.

* * *

Unfortunately for Levi squad, Levi and Hanji, Erwin had dragged them with him as he trekked down Hetalia with only one arm.

"So you say that there were people from different places?" Connie muttered, he disliked walking down long pathways after a tiring cleaning session. Sasha and Krista were also tired but they still were patient with their commander. Levi finally pulled to a stop at the bar. Despite it being late at night, there was still noise and the lights were up. He cleared his throat and knocked on the door, instead of Germany and Prussia, the man was greeted by a different pair of brothers.

"Vee~~Fratello! We have guests!" One italian cheered, his curl bounced playfully and his eyes were beaming with happiness. As if it were a mirror, the other italian had a curl and vibrant eyes but rather than happiness, it glared at the cadets.

"Stupido idiot, minors again! Those potato bastards couldn't keep the last ones out. Then it's time we kicked them out! Damnit!" He growled, the man picked a tomato and tossed it at Hanji. The woman whipped a pocket knife and effortlessly slashed the fruit into two pieces. Her allies stared at her.

"...you carry a pocket knife, with you?" Erwin sighed, Hanji withdrew it.

"...AHH! Bambina! Germany! There's some psycho's at the door! Romano and I are scared!" One of brothers cried, he retreated into the bar whilst his sputtering brother followed. Erwin cautiously open the door.

The Ambassador smiled.

"Welcome, travelers. To the beautiful world of Hetalia. You draw the circle, that's the earth. We have the ultimate recipe for life in which we wave flags and have a parade. Don't forget, before you leave, to join our world rondo!"

"Vee~~ Let's cheer with our boots!" The cheerful Italian cheered.

"Oi, ragazza! Their minors here! 8 of them!"

Levi kicked Romano in the stomach, Erwin surveyed the bar and his eyes fell on a blond man with green dress uniform. who currently was conversing with a guy in a bomber jacket.

"Tch, if Ambassador's wanker friend's friend really has bigger eyebrows...I'm gonna...gonna..."

"Yo England, chill out dude! No one's eyebrows are more superior than your 6 strings!" The bomber jacket guy exclaimed, he patted England's back. England looked away.

"Y-you really think s-I mean of course!" He turned around and faced Erwin Smith, England fell off his chair. The Ambassador sighed, helping her customer up before shaking hands with Erwin.

"Erwin Smith, was it?" The bar-tender grinned, Erwin nodded his head politely before sitting on a chair that The Ambassador gestured. England recovered and sat on his chair, staring at Erwin's eyebrows. Erwin did the same but stared at England's eyebrows.

"Tch, how'd you manage to get your eyebrows? Eye-shadow or did you bribe some caterpillars to crawl on the mess you call your face?" England snarled.

"It's funny, are those guy-liners or tattoos on your face? Because those don't look like real eyebrows to me?" Erwin replied, with a smirk.

Levi sighed, turning to the blonde with the bomber jacket.

"Is your boyfriend always like this?" The midget sighed, the man smiled.

"Iggy's always like that. Especially when he's drunk. Name's Alfred F. Jones but most people here call me America."

Levi hesitated. Taking in account of his unusually talkative and lame fashion-sense.

"...I can see why..." He muttered.

The Ambassador snickered at Levi's sassy comment before retrieving her ruler. She carefully measured each eyebrow of the two men before sighing.

"...we have a tie..." She sighed. England and Erwin flicked their heads, to the disgruntled girl.

"Excuse me, poppet, I need to show this toff who's more superior!"

"I agree, obviously this man doesn't know the survey corps determination!"

"I shit you not guys. You legit have the same freaking ey-"

*Smack* England bitch-slapped Erwin. It was obvious that he was drunk because he was laughing his ass off. Erwin twitched his eyes.

"Smith, I swear to god if you..."

Erwin picked up a nearby beer and splashed it on England.

...

Well fuck! Several chairs began scraping back as soon a bar fight occurred.

"D-damnit! China, Germany, Belarus, America, Japan, Prussia, Romano! Sit down. We'll settle this in a wa-"

"I've had enough of these minors! Let's show them world war 3!" America hissed, he punched Levi's face before tackling humanity's strongest.

Belarus pulled her knife out, "Tch, let's go four eyes!" She threatened, the blonde thrusted her knife forwards, attempting to harm Hanji and commencing a dangerous knife duel.

"Aru! You children have no respect for elder!" China kicked Eren in the stomach but was responded with a knee to the balls. Mikasa was about to defend her brother but was stop by a katana.

"kisama, ken wo toridasu!" The japanese man brought his katana down but Mikasa was quick on the draw and came prepared with her blade. Germany sighed at the current battle taking place.

"Honestly, zees people are absolutely crazy..." He muttered, whisking out a potato. A flash of eyes and Sasha lunged for the potato like a rabid dog.

"Gimmie the potato!" She rasped, constantly lunging at the German.

"Mein gott! Crazy girl," he attempted to shake Sasha off him. Prussia rushed to his aid, grabbing Blouse by her waist (and chest). Connie sprung into action and headbutted the albino.

"Oi! Get your perverted hands off my friend!" He accused, Prussia and Germany suddenly found themselves in a fist fight between Connie and Sasha...over a potato?

Armin and Krista were silently panicking. All their allies had gotten into intense fighting matches, Armin slowly stepped back until he bumped into one of the Italian brothers.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Both screamed, they retreated under one of the bar tables and commenced begging for dear life. Krista eventually hid with a girl with a frying pan and her virtuoso boyfriend. Jean evenetually found Armin.

"C'mon Armin we gotta-"

Jean tugged on Italy's curl, making the petite man release a groan.

"You horse-face bastard! What are you thinking? Molesting my brother?!"

Jean was suddenly pelted by a barrage of tomatos and profanity.

The Ambassador squeaked as a stray tomato nearly splattered on her uniform.

"Argh! What have I done to deserve this?!" She whined, buried face into her hands. The Ambassador never wanted to coax out an eyebrow match between two men.

 **So to answer the age-long question on who has the more big-ass eyebrows?**

 **No one knows...seriously? I have no idea, 6 strings vs caterpillars. You can leave a little review on who wins. The Ambassador isn't shipped with anyone and rather likes to chill out and bring people together. Although she runs a bar and gets her cleaning supplies from very shifty people. I may have snuck some USUK and Gerita. I like both so much. I'm iffy on SNK Yaoi ships though. It...just doesn't feel right.**

 **Now we must bid this stupid fanfic adiue**

 **Fav/follow and please review!**

 **Aqua out!**


End file.
